This is the question I have asked myself a thousand times during this first year as principal. I have asked it about my interactions with parents, staff, students and even my own family members. Are my expectations in my head? Am I waiting for people to reach impossible heights? Or have I been really clear with my expectations to the point that they have become understood agreements between parties?
When I heard Brene Brown had published a new book, I went straight to Indigo to secure my own pre-sale copy. I was pleasantly surprised to see that the theme of the book was leadership. "Excellent," I said to myself, "I will be able to find one or two things that could apply to my new role." Little did I know, that I would read this book and follow it up with a listen on my daily commute, and then get home and underline and attach stickies to key ideas that I would reflect upon daily as an educational leader. One of the first concepts that resonated with me was, "Clear is Kind. Unclear is Unkind" (Brown, 2018, p. 44). Brown explains that we often feed ourselves and others "half truths" or "B.S" to make us feel better when really what is most helpful and most aligned with growing ourselves as humans is to just be clear. She explains, "Not getting clear with a colleague about your expectations because it feels too hard, yet holding them accountable or blaming them for not delivering is unkind. Talking about people rather than to them is unkind" (p. 48). This hit me hard. I read it last month, and it has stuck with me. I have slowly been getting curious and experimenting with this thought in my daily interactions. Every time I debate in my head about having a "tough conversation" with a staff member, or a parent, or even a student, I dig deeper. Tough conversations make me uncomfortable and I often default to making choices that are referred to by Brown as, "fun, fast and easy" (p. 189) which only result in making you feel better in the short term. Fun, fast and easy are the "popular kids" and they happen quickly for me- often without any conscious thought. There are strengths in wanting to please people in this way: I am optimistic, I want others to be happy, I am a problem fixer, I love positive energy and I try to always put my best face forward for sure. These are all qualities that daily serve my in my leadership role and are valuable parts of any school community. This positive outlook is wonderful, but sometimes people just need to hear it straight. And rather than having 10 conversations that dance around the actual expectation you have of people, I have recognized that having one solid, to the point conversation (that yes, can be awkward and uncomfortable) could also be all that is needed to turn a situation around. This doesn't mean I am good at these conversations, but step one for me has been recognizing when I need to be crystal clear with those that I lead, and doing so even when the response from me is not what they are hoping for. The more I practice this the more I realize that the world does not come crashing down if I draw out a boundary or state my expectations. In fact, I have discovered that leaders are respected for having these conversations because they come from an authentic place. So my challenge this month will be to continue to be clear and reminding myself that being clear is an act of kindness. Tough conversations are hard, and there is a way to address them that is also full of compassion. Kind and compassion can coexist with clear if you design it that way. Try it out! Will you mess it up? Yes. Will you forget sometimes? Yes. Do we always nail it on the first try? No. But if you remain mindful and get more curious with how you respond to people, you start to choose clarity as a practice more often. It gets easier and my hope is, that overall it will become automatic. Reference: Brown, B. (2018). Dare to lead: Brave work, tough conversations, whole hearts. New York: Random House.
1 Comment
Michelle
3/24/2019 07:43:28 pm
So fortunate that this leader is my leader. We are learning and growing daily.
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AuthorJolene Becker, Wife, Mother, Educator, Principal. My views are my own. Archives
November 2018
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